Command Decisions
by LdyAnne
Summary: Alien rituals.  Written for the sga gen ficathon on LJ.  The prompt was 'between a rock and a hard place' The genre was humor


It was Rodney's worst nightmare come to life right before his eyes.

He'd expected and been resigned to the fact that he was attending yet another alien ritual. What he found when he arrived was Ronon and Sheppard in the middle of the room, pressed in around them were dozens of natives curious as to what was going on. They had both been discovered, each with a hand on the prize, each unwilling to give in and let the other man have it. They were tugging it back and forth, unmindful or uncaring of their audience; Rodney couldn't tell which.

"Have you two gone crazy?" Rodney snapped, eyeing the natives warily. At the moment they just seemed to be curious, but that could change at any moment, Rodney knew.

"I saw it first," Ronon asserted, glaring at Sheppard.

Sheppard was unimpressed with Ronon's glare, "I got here first," he replied, his customary smirk firmly in place

"What are you? Two?" Rodney looked around at the natives again. They were beginning to murmur amongst themselves, casting restive looks at Ronon and Sheppard.

Rodney stared wide-eyed as the natives moved in closer, anxious to find out who was creating trouble at their ritual. He was afraid that maybe Ronon and Sheppard had been affected by the prize, like sex pollen or something that made them overly aggressive. Things could get ugly quick. He decided the best thing to do would be retreat. He could go and get help. He could leave Ronon and Sheppard to Teyla. She always dealt best with restless natives anyway.

Teyla regarded them with both a steady, narrow-eyed gaze – her 'why are men such boys' gaze.

She caught Rodney by the arm just as he was turning to leave.

"This behavior is unacceptable." She frowned at Rodney like it was his fault Ronon and Sheppard were behaving like asses. "You must decide which one of them shall keep it." Her tone was impatient; the natives surrounding them were anxious to get back to their bizarre rituals.

"Me?" Rodney knew he was whining, he couldn't seem to help himself. "Why me? Surely there's a better use for my intellect than to…" he trailed off as Teyla regarded him steadily, her gaze promising much pain if he didn't fix the situation right now.

"This is so unfair," Rodney moaned.

"Yeah, Rodney," Sheppard drawled, a grin breaking out on his face, "you decide." He gave a tug on the prize attempting to wrest it away from Ronon while his attention was elsewhere. He wasn't successful. Ronon had a firm hand on the prize and he was refusing to let go.

"Okay, McKay," Ronon practically growled, "which one of us gets it?"

They were both crazy, Rodney decided, overcome by the attraction of the prize. He swallowed regarding them both warily.

"Rodney?" Sheppard said.

Rodney nodded. Okay, he could do this. He looked from Ronon to Sheppard and back again. They were both watching him, confident that he would decide in their favor. But he couldn't do that. There was only one prize.

Then… Sheppard. Sheppard deserved the prize because he was the team leader. Rodney nodded decisively, ready to make his decision.

But then Rodney looked at Ronon.

Ronon was big. Really, really big. He could hurt Rodney without even trying. Not that Rodney thought Ronon would hurt him on purpose, but there were accidents during training. Just one ill-timed blow and Rodney could be crippled for the rest of his life. Or worse yet, he could take a blow to the head and then the whole expedition was doomed.

So, Ronon then.

Maybe Sheppard could read Rodney's mind, because his eyes narrowed. He gazed at Rodney fixedly. Rodney remembered all of the times Sheppard had saved his life, he thought about the time they spent together playing Ancient Sim City, sitting on the pier drinking beer, watching movies, just hanging out. There weren't many people who hung out with Rodney just because they liked him.

So, Sheppard then. Definitely. Rodney felt relief rush through him at a decision well made.

Sheppard really could read his mind, because he smirked. He tried to pull the prize away from Ronon. Ronon held on tighter, refusing to let go. His hand strayed down to rest on his blaster. Rodney took a step away. Not that Rodney thought Ronon would really shoot him, but maybe he shouldn't push the matter? Sheppard was the team leader, surely he would understand that it was in the best interests of the team for Ronon to have the prize? But what if that meant Sheppard never talked to him again?

It wasn't fair. He shouldn't have to make this choice.

Rodney tried to think how he could make this decision in a way that was fair.

He snapped his fingers, "I know, we could have a foot race and the winner gets…" Rodney trailed off at the look on Sheppard's face. Ronon crowed as if he had already won. "But then," Rodney added hastily, "you're not getting any younger.

"Hey," Sheppard scowled at him.

Rodney continued, trying to ignore the disgruntled Sheppard, "Okay, a race might not be fair after all."

"You think," Sheppard muttered.

"Okay," Rodney cleared his throat and tried again, "We could play prime-not-prime and the person who…"

Ronon growled at that. "McKay, just make a decision."

The natives agreed. They were restless, pressing in upon them, demanding that Rodney make a choice. They wanted to get on with their ritual and Rodney and his teammates were taking up precious time.

Rodney huffed, "Fine, I'll make your stupid decision. I choose…" everyone held their breath as all eyes looked at him. "I choose me," he grabbed at the prize, using the element of surprise to snatch it away from Sheppard and Ronon.

Teyla grabbed it away from him, "No, Rodney, you can not. It is lemon cake." She picked up the knife from the buffet table and cut the slice of cake neatly in half. "There," she handed the cake back to Sheppard.

"The two of you may share it," she told Sheppard, "I swear you are both worse than Jinto and Wex." Teyla had taken to saying things like that since she was pregnant.

Sheppard and Ronon exchanged a startled glance. Ronon picked up his half of the cake before anyone could take it away from him. He didn't even bother with a plate or a fork, making short work of it. He held it in his fingers and ate it in three quick bites, licking his fingers after it was gone in evident enjoyment.

Sheppard was at least a little more civilized. He shoveled down the cake in large forkfuls. He used his fingers when he was done to get all the crumbs left on the bottom of the plate.

Any relief he might have felt at being relieved of the decision of who got the cake was swept away in the horror that he had been standing within ingestion distance of lemon cake. Cake of death.

"What idiot decided that we should have lemon cake?" he huffed, loudly enough that they could probably hear him in the control room.

Teyla smiled at him sweetly, "It is the traditional cake made for all new mothers among the Athosians."

Rodney was smart enough not to mention that there had never been a traditional baby shower cake amongst the Athosians before the women from Earth had shown up in Pegasus Galaxy.

"Now I do not believe that any of you have gotten to play the game – we are guessing my tummy size. She indicated a table that was strewn with a pair of scissors and a ball of twine. Then she put a hand on her swollen belly, a smile of pure evil on her face. "There is a prize for the person who comes closest to the actual measurement."

Sheppard took one look at the string and his face drained of all color, "I have to see Lorne… about that thing… he wanted to have a meeting about." He beat a hasty retreat, forgetting to put down the plate that had held the lemon cake.

Teyla turned to Ronon, her brow raised questioningly.

Rodney had never seen the big man so unnerved, not even when he was in a Wraith cocoon about to be a meal for the Wraith. He backed to the door, "I've got to… uhm… Sheppard asked me… to… uhm… I've got to go," he stammered out. Then he turned and fled after Sheppard. There was no other way to describe his retreat.

The women all laughed.

Teyla turned to Rodney. "What about you?" she challenged.

Rodney had been faced with a multitude of scary things since coming to Pegasus, not the least of which was life-sucking alien vampires intent on killing them all. No way was he backing down from a baby shower.

He took the string, eyeing Teyla's tummy critically. This was nothing but basic math; something he did every day in his sleep. He was so going to win the prize for this, no matter what it was.

He just hoped it wasn't lemon cake.


End file.
